Setting: Rhode Island
People screamed as the Koopa King himself, Bowser, stormed down the sidewalk. He had no idea how he’d ended up in this odd, concrete world, but everyone seemed rightly terrified of him, so he wasn’t overly concerned about the inhabitants doing anything to impede him. In fact, their horrified expressions amused the evil king.
Bowser: Bwahahahahaha! That’s right! Run in terror!
He roared and stomped the ground, the concrete splintering beneath his weight, and more people screamed and ran. He let out another loud, hearty laugh, planting his fists on his hips. He was still relishing in his enjoyment of tormenting the innocent when all of a sudden there was a voice that seemed to come from nowhere.
???: HEY!!
Bowser stopped. He knew that voice; it was that person in his gut. What was their name again? Flippy? Skippy? No, wait, it was Chippy! Turning his chin down toward his chest, Bowser responded to the seemingly invisible presence.
Bowser: What?
Chippy’s voice rang out again.
Chippy: You shouldn’t be messing with these people like that! It’s rude!
Bowser scoffed. Him, rude? What else did Chippy expect? He was the KING of being mean!
Bowser: Hey, you don’t get to boss me around like that! You got nothin’ on me!
Inside of Bowser’s body, “Chippy” sighed audibly.
Starlow: Fine… you asked for this!
Starlow flew down from the very top of the room inside Bowser’s funny bone, floating in front of Mario and Luigi. They had been hauled along for the ride into this odd world when Bowser was transported here, and they had decided to wait it out to see what happened. Of course, they weren’t about to stand for their host threatening people who did nothing wrong.
Starlow: Let him have it!
Mario and Luigi both jumped one after the other in acknowledgment of the command.
Mario: Wahoo!
Luigi: Yaah!
The two heroic plumbers marched over to the large, sensitive wad of nerve cells sticking from Bowser’s bone marrow. They took positions standing on either side of it, and they brought their twin hammers back over their shoulders, preparing to swing.
Bowser: …Hey, what’re you planning in the-
Just as Bowser was in the middle of his sentence, the bros slammed both of their hammers into the nerve clump, sending a huge jolt of pain through Bowser’s entire body in a flashing arc. He leaped up into the air, both hands clutching his gut with a look of discomfort on his face.
Bowser: GYOWWW!!
Starlow flew back up to the roof of the small bone area, speaking once again to their temporary host.
Starlow: Feeling sorry yet?
Bowser groaned as his entire body ached from the huge surge of pain. He was angry at Chippy for manipulating his body like that, but there was nothing he could really do about it.
Bowser: Grr… fine! I’ll leave them alone! Just don’t do that again!
Meanwhile, about a mile from the Koopa King’s location, Frank DeTorre was sweeping up scattered wood chips on the paths of the Sucat Memorial Zoo. Winded from the exhausting work he’d been doing since he arrived hours ago, he stopped and leaned against a metal fencepost, grabbing his water bottle from the back pocket of his jeans.
Frank: Whew… need a drink.
He swiveled the cap off and brought the bottle to his lips, taking long and large gulps of water to appease his parched throat. Inside the mouth, however, there were two microscopic beings that he had no way of knowing were there, and they scrambled to avoid the incoming shower of water.
???: GET BEHIND SOMETHING!!
Jumping into action, the duo of Osmosis Jones and Drix the cold pill rushes behind Frank’s tonsils, protecting themselves from the shower of water as it rushed down Frank’s throat. Once the water was gone, Jones and Drix came out of cover.
Osmosis Jones: Jeez, man, that was close. Why’s he gotta make mouth patrol so difficult?
Drix shrugged to his partner.
Drix: Humans need water. And besides, it’s not as if he knows we’re here.
Jones nodded, supposing his partner was right, and the two returned to their work of sanitizing Frank’s taste buds from all the disgusting junk food he ate all the time.
Just then, they heard Frank’s stomach growl from deep below them.
Frank: Oop. Must be lunchtime.
Jones groaned as Frank reached into his lunchbox, producing a chicken drumstick to satisfy his hunger with.
Jones: Aww, not more greasy chicken! Ain’t he learned anything about eatin’ right!?
Drix offered a mere shrug in response. Frank slowly lifted the chicken drumstick to his mouth, completely unaware that the smell of greasy, seasoned meat was drifting along the air, reaching far enough to tickle the nose of the approaching Koopa King.
Bowser: Mmmmmm… I smell some greasy, fatty meat food! And I haven’t eaten since I landed here!
Bowser quickly stormed closer to the unsuspecting Frank, who upon feeling the slight tremors in the ground with Bowser’s every step turned to look in the direction of the incoming presence. He froze in terror at the towering beast a few dozen meters away from him, his mouth agape in such a way that Jones and Drix could see him too.
Jones: What in the mitochondria is THAT!?
Drix: Certainly no creature we’ve seen before…!
Bowser disregarded Frank’s terrified look and commanded him in his usual overpowering way.
Bowser: Yo! Short stack! Gimme that chicken, I’m starving!
Frank, too dumbstruck to reply, simply stared back.
Frank: Uhhh…
Bowser growled, supposing he’d have to take the chicken himself. Breathing out and puffing out his chest in preparation, Bowser began to inhale deeply, a vortex being created by his powerful lungs. The chicken was ripped from Frank’s mouth, and from his open jaws, Jones and Drix were flung from the safety of his mouth towards Bowser’s.
Bowser slammed his jaws shut once the chicken was safely in his mouth, not knowing that Jones and Drix were now inside his body as well. The two plummeted down Bowser’s throat and into the Trash Pit, landing with loud crashes right next to each other. Frank, meanwhile, ran off screaming, and Bowser chewed his newly acquired chicken happily.
Jones: …Ooouugh… my achin’ nucleus…
Jones forces himself to get to his feet slowly, turning to help Drix get up as well.
Drix: What is this place…?
Jones: I think we’re inside of that big turtle dude… but where? This ain’t no body part I’ve ever seen before…
Before they could explore the inner reaches of the Trash Pit any further, they heard approaching footsteps and a cheery voice.
Starlow: Something fell down here when Bowser ate that chicken! Let’s investigate!
Within moments, Mario, Luigi, and Starlow all appeared in the small entrance to the Trash Pit where Jones and Drix were recovering from their long fall. Starlow gasped at the sight of other life forms.
Starlow: Woah! More people!? Who are you?
Jones took one look at the trio and frowned. What kind of advanced viruses was this turtle beefcake hauling around in his body? Either way, this might not have been his usual patrolling grounds, but Jones felt compelled to expel these things. As such, he quickly drew his laser pistol and fired a warning shot towards the three.
Mario and Luigi: WAAH!!
The two plumbers quickly jumped out of the way, taking up combative stances with Starlow angrily shouting at the white blood cell.
Starlow: HEY!! What’s the big idea!? We came to help you!
Jones scoffed at the star sprite’s words, Drix slowly getting up and arming his cannon when he was his partner’s pistol drawn.
Jones: Yeah right, freeloaders! I ain’t from around here, but I know a virus when I see one, and y’all three lookin’ like some REAL deadly pathogens! Ready, Drix?
Drix nodded sternly.
Drix: Let’s remove these diseases with haste.
Starlow sighed heavily.
Starlow: Oh well… Mario! Luigi! Looks like they’re asking for a fight! Let’s show them what we can do!
Mario and Luigi nodded and turned to face their newcomer opponents.
Mario: Let’s-a go!!
Luigi: Okey-dokey!!
Jones pulled the trigger on his pistol, firing laser blasts at the bros. Quickly reacting to the incoming shots, they jumped over each and every pellet that came their way. Jones charged up a stronger shot upon seeing their nimble avoidance and fired a more powerful pellet, which Mario smacked away with his hammer, detonating in the distance of their fight.
Mario put his hammer away and rushed forward with vigor, springing into the air and stomping down on Jones’s membrane-encased head twice. The officer was dazed briefly, and in this moment of opening, Luigi decided to follow suit of his brother’s offense, scurrying up to Drix and swinging his hammer into the center of the cold pill’s chest plate. Drix, bulky as he was, didn’t feel much from the strike, and swung the side of his cannon arm at Luigi, swatting the bro away from him with the ease of swatting an insect.
After battering the green-capped plumber, Drix charged up his arm cannon and fired a storm of medicine grenades at the bros, the small capsules detonating at their feet and sending the Mario Bros flying over their heads, landing behind them further down the tunnels of the Trash Pit.
Jones: C’mon, Drix! Let’s keep up the heat!
Jones sprinted towards Mario and Luigi, who were recovering from their rough landing. Drix followed his partner, and the two bros looked up to see Jones training his pistol at them from one side and Drix’s arm cannon poised to fire from the other.
Thinking quick, Mario and Luigi jumped up over the two simultaneous incoming shots fired by their adversaries, the two blasts colliding beneath them in a large explosion. The two plumber bros landed and rapidly began running in Drix’s direction, hurriedly bringing the chaos of their fight further down the Trash Pit and towards the main systems that connected the different regions of Bowser’s body.
Jones sprinted behind them and Drix continued to fly backward, keeping his aim set on the red and green enemy duo. Volleys of medicine blasts and laser fire continued to soar at the bros from both directions, and they continued to display their impressive agility by leaping and dodging the shots. Starlow, meanwhile, struggled to keep up with the 2-on-2 battle raging through the body of the Koopa King.
Starlow: HEY! SLOW DOWN!!
When they had traversed halfway through the Trash Pit, Luigi called for Mario’s attention, having an idea to fight back against the onslaught of projectiles being shot their way.
Luigi: Mario!
Mario looked over in response to his brother’s call, their foes’ incoming fire continuing to detonate below their feet.
Mario: Hmm?
Luigi reached into his overalls and pulled out a Fire Flower, holding it between them in the air. Mario grinned with enthusiasm and flashed his bro a thumbs up at his proposal, and Luigi tossed the power-up into the air, it duplicating and falling on both bros. Their outfits changed in color and fireballs appeared in their hands, and both of them nodded to each other before tossing two similarly-timed fireballs at incoming blasts from Jones and Drix, the opposing shots canceling each other out in a burst of flame and medicine.
The Mario Bros landed swiftly and began hurling their own dangerous projectiles at Jones and Drix, Mario targeting Ozzy and Luigi focusing on Drix. Jones, sidestepping the incoming swath of flame orbs, didn’t let up his suppressing fire on the supposed pathogens for a moment.
Jones: Heartburn viruses, huh? Drix, cool ’em off!
Drix: Heartburn medication at the ready.
Drix’s medicine grenades became cold and chilling to be close to, minimizing the size and impact of fireballs that were coming his way. The bros noticed, however, that the grenades were detonating directly beneath them whenever they jumped up, leaving no protection to Jones in the rear. Taking advantage of this lack of shielding the white blood cell was sporting, Mario leaped up alongside Luigi and the two channeled their fiery power-up ability into one large fireball, the flaming giant bouncing toward Jones, who stared up at the behemoth with a frightened look.
Jones: …aww, sunnova lysosome…
The immense fireball steamrolled Jones, comically squashing him flat against the floor. Mario and Luigi whooped with success and leaped over a concerned-looking Drix, who rushed to his partner’s aid, spraying him with healing essence as Mario and Luigi hurried to the nearby exit of the Trash Pit while their Fire Flower power-up ran out, Starlow rushing behind them, annoyed.
Starlow: WILL YOU TWO WAIT UP!?
Drix crouched by his smashed teammate, a concerned look on his face.
Drix: Jones, are you alright?
It took the white blood cell a moment to respond in the form of reforming his body through his body-shaping abilities. Rapidly shaking his head to steady his senses, Jones grumbled at the sight of his crushed laser pistol.
Jones: Aww, not my pistol… I’m fine, man, really. C’mon, let’s get those viruses!
Drix nodded.
Drix: Right.
Ozzy and Drix resumed their pursuit of Mario and Luigi, who were now weaving through Bowser’s bodily canals. They ran all the way from the Trash Pit to Toad Square, where a concussive blast from a well-placed medicine grenade from Drix sent the Bros careening onto one of the many platforms in the plaza.
The shopkeeping Toads all yelled in fright as they saw the heroes of the Mushroom Kingdom rocket into the market square followed by two foreign beings. Jones blinked at the sight of the multicolored mushroom kin, Drix at his back, as Mario and Luigi got up.
Jones: MORE pathogens!? This guy must eat worse than Frank!
Drix: I’m starting to wonder whether all these beings really are disease-harbingers or not…
Jones, disregarding his partner’s musings, leaped to the platform the bros were on and tackled Mario, forcing him away from Luigi so Drix could handle him. Luigi regarded his bro’s predicament with worry.
Luigi: Mario!!
His attention was drawn away from Jones and Mario’s scuffle by the sound of Drix approaching him, cannon trained on the middle of his chest.
Drix: Prepare to be exterminated, virus!
Luigi, growing weary of him and his brother being labeled as some kind of disease, took on an irritated look and jumped up over Drix’s cannon shot, drawing his hammer and slamming the cold pill directly in the face. The loud yoo-BONK of the hammer colliding with its target echoed through the square, and Drix went flying up into the Gear shop’s large pile of clothing. He emerged with his cannon clogged by a pair of overalls and a glove over his head, covering his eyes.
Luigi laughed victoriously and turned away from the blinded cold pill above him, rushing to help Mario, who was struggling to fight off Jones. The experienced cop was weaving between Mario’s jumps and hammer swings, landing solid jabs to the plumber’s chin and gut. Unexpectedly, however, Luigi’s arms hooked around Jones’ and he pulled him away from his red-capped bro. Mario, seeing the opening created by his bro, jumped up to stomp on the white blood cell’s head.
Jones: I don’t think so!
When Mario descended from above with his boots outstretched, he was surprised to see his feet go straight through Jones’s head. Through his body-shaping abilities, Jones let Mario fall straight into the confines of his cellular structure with a tricky grin, Luigi gawking at the sight of his bro struggling inside his enemy. Jones then repulsed Mario from the inside of his cellular membrane, sending him out through his back and right into Luigi, pushing the bros away from him. Then he tumbled towards them, shaping his body into a thin, elongated cylinder to shove them off the platform and into the cytoplasm below. Once they were beginning to sink, Jones called up to Drix, who was just recovering from being smacked into the clothes pile.
Jones: Drix! Now!
The cold pill nodded in acknowledgment and loosed a huge volley of medicine grenades into the cytoplasm, sending huge bursts of medication through the goopy substance. Mario and Luigi took the full brunt of the grenades, which sent them deeper into the pool, and they began descending from the pipe overhead.
When they landed just behind Drix, whose gaze was still transfixed on the cytoplasm pool, Mario gathered his bearings and consumed a mushroom to heal himself, handing one to Luigi for his own consumption. As his bro swallowed the healing item, Mario took out a Magic Window and smacked Drix in the back with it, sending him falling off the platform and onto the one Jones was perched upon. Then he tossed up the window, and it opened for the two bros to jump in, spinning out of visibility.
The window opened up behind the unsuspecting Jones and Mario jumped out, stomping on his head successfully this time and vanishing mystically.
Jones: Ow! They’re still alive!?
Luigi jumped from the window next, stomping on Drix before disappearing in a similar fashion. The bros continued their assault from every direction, stomping on the heads of the two body cops in a completely unpredictable fashion. The toads joined in on the assault against the intruders, pelting Jones and Drix with miscellaneous wares. They were forced into a hasty retreat from Toad Square, and as they exited, Mario and Luigi emerged from the Magic Window before them, heading further into Bowser’s body.
Jones: Get back here! We ain’t done yet!
Their chase continued further into Bowser’s body, leading them to the areas of his gut. The Mario Bros were constantly hopping and ducking to avoid Drix’s cannon shots as they pursued them down the paths of muscle and tissue.
Jones: Man, this guy has a really messed up city! Where the heck are all the buildings and streets? And who runs this joint!? ‘Cause their law enforcement is totally slackin’ with all these diseases runnin’ loose!
Drix: It’s entirely possible that his biology is different than Frank’s, you know.
In the midst of their musings over Bowser’s peculiar bodily structure, Mario and Luigi ducked inside the entrance to the Gut Check. The scent of chicken emanated from the room, and when Jones and Drix caught up to the room and whirled inside to confront their enemies, they were mysteriously nowhere to be seen within the odd chamber.
Jones: I know they went in here… where are they?
Drix: More importantly, where are we? We could be in trouble if we get lost in this place.
Jones and Drix were completely unaware of Mario and Luigi hovering over the entrance to the Gut Check, held in the air by Starlow so as to get the drop on their enemies. Jones walked over to the cannon aimed inside Bowser’s digestion pit, investigating the area. He was met with the strong stench of chewed chicken mixed with Bowser’s saliva and stomach acids, which made him step away hastily while waving a hand in front of his face.
Mario and Luigi let go of Starlow’s feet and dropped silently behind their two foes, both of them facing the insides of the Gut Check, and got out their hammers. They wound up high, and Mario sealed their fate with a single word.
Mario: Hey!
Jones and Drix whirled around at the sound of the plumber’s voice to be greeted with a double combo of mallet to the face, sending them crashing through the flimsy wall between the outside and the inside of the Gut Check. More chicken fell from Bowser’s throat as he swallowed some extra chunks he had gotten stuck in his fangs, immobilizing them. Jones and Drix were sprawled out in smelly, gross chunks of chicken ripe for digesting, and Starlow got an idea looking at them.
Starlow: Guys!
Starlow flew between Mario and Luigi, and the two slipped away their hammers and turned to look at their yellow star sprite friend.
Starlow: Remember the carrot enzymes? Maybe there’s some kind of enzyme in the chicken! You can use it to finish this!
Mario and Luigi nodded at Starlow’s idea, then turned towards the Gut Check and the imprisoned Jones and Drix. Mario reached into the flaps of his overalls and pulled out a Spin Pipe, which he then tossed to the ground. The blue pipe enlarged and the two bros jumped inside, joining hands as the pipe flew up over the buried Jones and Drix. It spun around slowly before dropping down Mario-first on top of Jones.
Mario: Oh yeah!
The pipe’s intense weight slammed on top of the white blood cell, smashing the chicken atop him and making him dizzy from the impact. The pipe floated up again, this time spinning to face Luigi downwards as he stomped on Drix’s chicken-coated chest plate.
Luigi: Oh yeah!
The pipe-dropping stomping of the two foreign bodily agents continued, pits of chicken being smashed to even tinier pieces. The pipe spun faster and faster in the air, dropping onto Jones and Drix at an even faster rate, prying shouts of pain from their lips. Then, finally, Drix was forced upon a piece of chicken that, when smashed, revealed a large red enzyme with a flame on it.
Starlow: There! An enzyme!! Get it!!
Mario and Luigi hopped out of the pipe, letting it fall atop their enemies to pin them down as they landed safely on the digestion cannon. Then, without a moment’s hesitation, they fired at the fire-marked enzyme.
FWOOOOSH!!
The enzyme erupted in a huge column of flame, turning the rest of the chicken, as well as Jones and Drix, into fine powdery ash that rushed up Bowser’s throat. The Koopa King’s eyes went wide and he grabbed his throat just moments before his jaw unhinged, a huge column of flame spewing from his mouth. Along with the fire, the microscopic ashes of Frank DeTorre’s cellular agents were expelled from his body.
Bowser: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!! HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT!!!
Finally, the spicy chicken’s flames quelled, and Bowser took a few shaky breaths. That was some hot chicken, even by his standards. When he had caught his breath, he quickly marched over to the park fountain and dipped his mouth inside the waters, lapping it up to cool himself off.
Mario, Luigi, and Starlow took a moment to register the intense column of flame that had erupted from the enzyme.
Starlow: I, uh… I guess that was a different kind of enzyme, huh…?
Mario and Luigi shrugged simultaneously as they hopped off the digestive cannon. Seeing nothing left of their opponents, they exchanged a high-five before spinning around, showing off their victorious poses as they relished in their hard-fought victory over the strange and hostile oddities from another body.
Mario: Wahoo!
Luigi: Yahoo!
